Sunday, October 17, 2010
Listen up, gentlemen. This one's for you. Maybe it’s cruel, but even if you’re a total god in the sack, it’s the verbal slipup that we will replay for our girlfriends. Avoid becoming “the guy who cried out Mommy” and ban these 10 lines from your dirty talk library.
“Who’s your daddy?”
It’s creepy, cliché, and instantly makes us think of our dear old dads, which is obviously a total turnoff. Plus, asking that to someone like me, might surface my Daddy issues, which then might result in some akward tears during a deep thrust. We wouldn't want that, would we?
“What now, you’re crying?”
Maybe it’s because you brought up my Dad. Asshole!
“Whoops, looks like I just put my man butter on your girl toast.”
First of all, we’re not hanging out at your fraternity house so try to not to talk like a man child. It’s probably going to kill the mood, but if you have to tell us that you climaxed before you’d hoped, just say it straight up. Try to take care of yourself before the date, ala "There's Something about Mary" Stylo.
“Um, I think your Aunt Flo is in town.”
Guess what? It's called a period or blood. Cool?
“Well, that was fun.”
When we sleep with you for the first time, we can’t help but wonder if we’re just another notch on your bedpost. So when you make a flippant comment, especially if it’s followed by a mad scramble for your boxer shorts, it’s sure to freak us out. And, not to mention that I hate when any guy beats me to this comment right after. I like to be the one to make it reeeeeal weird first.
“I like a little Jiggle.”
Really? Yes, my butt jiggles, but this is a good time to practice the whole "think it but don't say it" ritual. There was a reason why your Dad slept on the couch sometimes.
“Praise the Lord!”
The same goes for any other deity. No matter what you believe, sex is really no time to bring up religion. Unless of course we’re pretending to be a naughty Catholic schoolgirl.
Another woman’s name.
This really needs no explanation, so let’s move on to how you can make it up to us. First, apologize. Then, apologize. Then, full body massage, while you apologize. Then buy us things, while you apologize.
Seriously? Either we have turned up the volume because we want you to know how good we feel or you’re just totally blowing our mind. You really want us to simmer down? This one is only ok, if you're trying not to wake up parents, children or roommates. If you live with your parents or roommates, then I must have been drunk!
“Do you mind if my roommate joins us?”
Hell yeah, we mind. Nothing makes our douche bag detector go off like the suggestion of an impromptu threesome. It’s not that we’re necessarily even against a ménage à trois, but there is only one threesome coordinator here, and it ain't you, buddy!
I'm glad I could help!