Thursday, February 23, 2012

The "D" Word.

I've always thought of myself as a happy person. Over all in a good mood and laughing a ton. My mom always shares a story of me as a baby waking up in my crib and laying there giggling and talking to myself, until she would wake up and hear me. She said she would never wake up to me crying. This has been true for most of my life. This last year things got weird for me. I'm sure my blog post this last year speak for themselves. Me explaining as to why I can't write, and how I feel different, and I'm blue and what not.  They got repetitive, didn't they?

After dealing with this unpleasant feeling for the past year, I knew that something wasn't right. I knew that this was more than just me being sad or having the blues. I decided that I would try and ride it out. I smoked a lot of cigarettes and drank more than I would like to admit. I picked unhealthy things to mask the sadness and before I knew it, the things that I thought would help, only made it worse. This black hole that I have felt I have been in for this past year, only got darker. Days that I wouldn't get out of bed. Days that I cried too much. Days with no hope. Days that the anxiety of the way that I was feeling was just too much for me.  I no longer felt like this was something that I could do on my own. The memories of my Mom dealing with this when I was growing up, seemed all too real.

This is depression. That word is a hard one to not only admit to, but throw around. People that have never dealt with this don't get it. It's not something you can just fix. It's a chemical imbalance and it's unfortunate that it runs in my family. People that see me on my internet world would never look at me and think that I would be dealing with this. When the time comes, the happy face comes on. I think most people that deal with this, don't let people know. Some of us hide it pretty well. The truth is, I've been in a personal hell of darkness and sadness that I've known is not okay.

I finally went to my Dr. and I was honest with him about what I've been feeling. I've never wanted to get on anything that would alter my moods, but I have to surrender that at this point, I may need it for a little bit, to get me back. I haven't been me for a year. I want me back.

Anyway, that's what has been going on with me. Things don't always appear to be they way they are. You never really know what people are really dealing with in their life, behind closed doors, and in real life. This is real life. It's not perfect. We are not perfect. I'm not perfect, but I'm going to be okay.

This too shall pass.


  1. I have enjoyed all of your hilarious posts. I actually look forward to them.
    But I have felt a "something missing", and I appreciate that you acknowledge what you are going through so publicly. I wondered why everyone around me is so happy and perfect around me,yet, I feel miserable.
    You let me know I am not alone....Thank You.

  2. Being honest about what was really going on in my head was the hardest part for me. After years of lying to myself and everyone around me, it had become compulsory. Growing up in a blue collar "the only cure for the blues is a hard day's work" household didn't help either. It was like a weight lifted off my chest when I heard my doctor say "Manic Depression". Something I'd suspected for a long time but refused to admit. After two years, I'm not missing the high's as much as I did when I first started taking taking my med and going to therapy. My fun, crazy periods aren't as fun or crazy anymore (no more streaking in the middle of winter), but not having to deal with the darkness that always followed them makes it worth it.

    Regardless of the cause of your hard year, you're doing the right thing by seeking help. As parents, what other choice do we have?

  3. Honestly, I don't even know how I let it go this long. Moments of intense anxiety that I just wanted to go outside and chain smoke, and take shots and then wake up feeling worse not only physically but mentally about what I was doing to my health. Realizing that I have gone through this off and on since I've been a single mom.

    I barely just 2 days ago started taking wellbutrin. I'm actually really scared about this (which doesn't help). It's going to help me with the smoking too, they say. It's only my second day and I haven't one cigg today and I'm making the gym part of my routine again (Like it used to do).

    As parents we don't have a choice, you're right. I know my son notices that I have been different. It breaks my heart. One day at a time, I guess.

    Thank you for the comments, guys, and for sharing your stories. It means a lot to me. Much love.

    1. Hey, some of the most intelligent, artistic, free thinking people in history were also batshit crazy. Just keep writing. Positive or negative, you're good at it. Give therapy an honest try for a couple months. I was a snob about it at first but, it didn't take long to realize that meds were only half the solution for me. I had to learn the cognitive skills to cope with the rest of the whacky.

      Try reading a book called An Unquiet Mind. It may not fit your circumstance/condition exactly but it could provide some good insight. For me, it was like reading a journal I never wrote. Keep your head up!

  4. Barby,

    Your honesty is inspiring & beautiful. Please know, you are not alone. I have been there... and I agree, unless someone has experienced it, they just DON'T get it. Depression is a bitch, but I can tell you, that it does get better. It too, runs in my family, and I have watched several members of my family go through it as well.

    It is now something I fight (what seems to be daily,) and have chosen to fight it naturally after a bout on anti-depressants. However, I have seen anti-depressants make a HUGE difference for many many people. I have studied a lot about depression, what the pharmaceuticals actually do, their side effects, etc and would be more than happy to share what I have learned. I have also learned that much of my "depression" has occurred because I am an extremely sensitive person. To myself, others, energies, and so much more. Learning how to channel that energy appropriately through work with healers, soul work, mediation, and yoga, has also been huge for me.

    Hang in there. Light will appear at the end of the tunnel. You are beautiful, talented, and have so much to offer the world. I watched it in action last weekend.

    Much love to you.


  5. It is definitely true that from the outside looking in, especially in the last year, things seem to be on the Up and Up and UP for you! DJing and spreading your music love, your performances are a draw, and you always have funny things to say and share. Personal success doesn't cure depression I'm sure.

    I'm glad you are seeking help, but please do be careful with the medications. A good friend of mine recently came off all her meds which were prescribed to help with anxiety, depression, and insomnia. Coming off of them has thrown her body for a loop. She gets brain zaps too. I know you said you were scared of the medicine already, so you obviously know things like that can happen... just wanted to share.

    Love you lots,

  6. Thanks for the comment guys. did some research on Wellburin and over all it's the best one with little side effects. I have been on it for a week and I've had 2 cigarets. They use this medication to help people quit, and it's also helps with depression and anxiety, which triggers the smoking. So far it's been great. I will only use this for a short amount of time and slowly get off. I have also started taking my omega's and B 12's. So that should help.

    I'll get out of this funk. I just needed a little boost. So far so good :)

  7. Sorry to hear you've been straddling the lines between the good and bad funk lately. Big 'D' depression is a hard road. There's so many wicked public contradictions to it's subtle personal nuances. Beyond the potential magic of modern, pharmaceuticals - not always a bad thing - I think the key is in holding those people close to you who you can trust. Be honest with them. And whenever possible, dance for you. In the end everyone else is just lucky to be there to join in.

  8. I luh you sis. We are all only human. xo

  9. “What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” -BrenĂ© Brown

    Thanks for sharing, girl :)

  10. you're truly such an inspiration !!! since i was 15 ive been following you around myspace, your blog, haha creepy right? but knowing that someone as amazing and as talented as you has the same problem i deal with from day to day makes me feel like i have a chance to get better. Thanks barby !

  11. It's all coming together, hang in there. So hard. For you. Such a artist with a huge talent.