The "D" Word.

I've always thought of myself as a happy person. Over all in a good mood and laughing a ton. My mom always shares a story of me as a baby waking up in my crib and laying there giggling and talking to myself, until she would wake up and hear me. She said she would never wake up to me crying. This has been true for most of my life. This last year things got weird for me. I'm sure my blog post this last year speak for themselves. Me explaining as to why I can't write, and how I feel different, and I'm blue and what not.  They got repetitive, didn't they?


After dealing with this unpleasant feeling for the past year, I knew that something wasn't right. I knew that this was more than just me being sad or having the blues. I decided that I would try and ride it out. I smoked a lot of cigarettes and drank more than I would like to admit. I picked unhealthy things to mask the sadness and before I knew it, the things that I thought would help, only made it worse. This black hole that I have felt I have been in for this past year, only got darker. Days that I wouldn't get out of bed. Days that I cried too much. Days with no hope. Days that the anxiety of the way that I was feeling was just too much for me.  I no longer felt like this was something that I could do on my own. The memories of my Mom dealing with this when I was growing up, seemed all too real.


This is depression. That word is a hard one to not only admit to, but throw around. People that have never dealt with this don't get it. It's not something you can just fix. It's a chemical imbalance and it's unfortunate that it runs in my family. People that see me on my internet world would never look at me and think that I would be dealing with this. When the time comes, the happy face comes on. I think most people that deal with this, don't let people know. Some of us hide it pretty well. The truth is, I've been in a personal hell of darkness and sadness that I've known is not okay.


I finally went to my Dr. and I was honest with him about what I've been feeling. I've never wanted to get on anything that would alter my moods, but I have to surrender that at this point, I may need it for a little bit, to get me back. I haven't been me for a year. I want me back.


Anyway, that's what has been going on with me. Things don't always appear to be they way they are. You never really know what people are really dealing with in their life, behind closed doors, and in real life. This is real life. It's not perfect. We are not perfect. I'm not perfect, but I'm going to be okay.

This too shall pass.