Thursday, March 11, 2010

Get You Some Nitro

Back at the tender age of 17, in 1994, I did things. Under age with a fake ID and bar hoping on Sunset Blv. It blows my mind that we even got into clubs at the age of 17, I'm sure I looked like a 13 year old with make up on and high heels. My Girlfriend Jolene and I thought we were so cool, with our cool new short hair cuts, she was blonde and I had the longer version of her cut, with our new discovered MAC makeup and everything we wore was from Nordstroms and black, we looked like rich bitches going to a funeral, all while we were in the 12th grade and still had to ask permission to do 62% of the things we did. We didn't ask permission to take trips to LA.

While all of our friends were spending their spring break at the Dixie college with all of the older college kids (which was already naughty enough) Jolene and I were LA bound. We were at the Viper Room, hanging with the Counting Crows, and staring at Johnny Depp 2 tables down, while dogging advanced by Sammy Hagar. We were at the Roxbury, I got to experience the famous Roxbury in it's glory days. I recall Jolene and I being asked to join a table, the table of Nitro the Gladiator (Nitro was part of a Saturday morning show back in the mid 90's, where he would swing around like a monkey and tackle other excessively muscular Men and make barbaric noise while beating on his monkey chest) apparently at the age of 17, I thought that was hot.

A night of drinks, dancing and being flattered by the attention of a Gladiator, it would only make sense that we would continue the party at his house. It was Nitro, his brother (who was getting cozy with Jolene) and the 2 of us girls. I found myself in his bedroom, making out with this monstrosity of a man, when he realized that he wasn't going to smack it up, flip it and rub it down. because.. OH, did I mention I was still a Virgin? Nitro looked at me and said "I don't have time for games, little girl" he then, got up, got a pillow and a blanket and walked me out to the couch, where I shared the other side with his Golden Retriever. I laid on that couch, just me and the dog, until he called the dog into his room and shut the door behind him, I laid there, alone...I could hear the giggles of Jolene and his brother down the hall. I got scared, I thought 'if this Mans size is any indication of what was in his pants, I'm fucked'...especially being my first time, I was terrified of sex before I experienced it, not to mention that it wasn't going as I imagined my first time would be, You know? candle light and Maxwell in the background, the guy confessing his love while little birds fly to the window and you live happily ever after and all that shit that you later realize only exist in Disney cartoons and Hugh Grant films.

The next morning he was kind enough to give Jolene and I a ride back to our hotel (how kind of him, right?) we pulled up and we were about to get out, he stopped me and said "wait" he turned around and started reaching towards the back seat of his Jeep, he then handed me an autographed picture of himself, patted me on the head and said "Take care kid" - My first douchebag experience.

*Jolene was my wildest friend in high school, we met in Jr High and she was fun and silly and beautiful, Jolene sadly passed away 3 years ago and I will never forget the impact she had on my life. The sound of her laughter will always be recorded in my memory, along with all of the crazy and rebellious experiences we shared.


  1. Cool story, B. Sorry about Jolene though.

    I was a Gladiator fan right at the start. I imagined Lace would have been gentle with me my first time. (sigh)

    Next time try Flash. He has sensitive eyes.

  2. You seriously need to write a book about all your adventures. Will you do all of us a favor and do that?!?!?


  3. Loved your flashback here. Yes, a few years earlier, up in Seattle, a fake ID allowed me to get into all sorts of places I shouldn't have been, but there was no way I was going to settle for the suburban idea of "fun" on any given weekend when there was the excitement of downtown Seattle to be had. (And like you, I can't believe I was even let into these places; at 18 I looked more like 14 or 15, and the pic on the ID really didn't look like me either.)
    Again, great post, great blog.

  4. I adore your blog, you have such a great ability to entertain. Some people have that naturally and you're kinda nice to look at, too!! ;-)

    Keep making us laugh, keep being you. You can't teach personality.