I've never talk about my Father. The absent Father that was never in life. I have always found it a difficult thing to put out there. Because I would be a liar if I said it hasn't been a painful thing to deal with in my life. I have never wanted to play the victim, or have anyone feel sorry for me. If anything, I think I have wanted to appear as if it had never affected me. Because you can't really miss someone that you never had, right? But, again, I would be a liar if I really had you believing that.
I know that this has been the reasons why I struggle with my relationship with men. Why the fear of being abandoned is too much to bare at times. Subconsciously, that little girl who is hurt and wounded always comes out. I've tried to look for my Dad. I don't know if also subconsciously sabotage that too. Some days I want nothing more then to find him, and tell him all the things I have rehearsed in my head over and over throughout the years. And some days, I don't care enough or think he deserves to hear those things.
With this Father figure that was never around to teach me what a man should be like to a woman. To put me on his shoulder. To scare the boys away. Was this beautiful single Mother, who taught me to be independent. Who hugged me daily. Who scared the boys away. My Mother taught me to love. She gave this heart. And as difficult as it is for me to do so at times, my heart will never quit. Even if I don't know how to get it quiet right, I'm just wired to continue to love. I know she has suffered more than me knowing that I have had to deal with this in my life. My mom did her best, and my childhood is full of love from her.
I sometimes have conversations with that little me. I imagine myself hugging her and letting her know that this wasn't her fault. I tell her she deserves to be loved. I let her know that in the future, a Son will come in to her life, to teach her unconditional love for a boy, and teach him how to treat a girl.
I want to tell you that your blog has been a pleasure to read. The topics that you write about and your humor, bring a little light to my life. I can relate to them in so many ways. After reading this post, I can relate even more. My father died when I was a baby, so I share your feelings of abandonment and wanting to be loved. All while being an incredibly independent woman. I'm sure our lives are different in so many ways but I thought it would be nice know
ReplyDeletethat someone out there shares these feelings.
Keep writing sister!
Thank you so much for this comment. I'm sorry you had to deal with the loss of your Dad. I sometimes wish that my father passing was the case because it would make more sense to me as to why he wasn't around.
ReplyDeleteThis was a hard one for me to write about. I feel like things like these need to be shared. It was therapy for me to write about it as well.
Thank you again. I will try and mostly keep it light hearted but at times willl break out the Oprah moments :)
Hi Barby,
ReplyDeleteI visit your blog as often as I can and just like the other anonymous commenter, I enjoy it very much. This particular post spoke to me in volumes even though the problem I had with my father was completely different from yours. My father did not abandon my sisters and I growing up. Instead, he sexually abused us and physically beat us and my mother. He cheated on my mom countless of times and threatened to physically hurt us if she left. Although having a father around to be a role model and to show you what love from a man is ideal, I would say I would much rather have had my father leave us than be there to abuse us. I've always told myself that it's better for someone to COME FROM a broken home than BE IN a broken home. You, I, and all the other little girls out there who have suffered because of our fathers hopefully (and thankfully) are all resilient, independent and loving women because of our mothers. We need to all celebrate that.
Anonymous 2.
ReplyDeleteWow. Your comment just brought me to tears. I'm sorry you experienced that kind of pain in the hands of our Father. The fact that you are willing to talk about is HUGE. I have never thought about it that way. Maybe him leaving was the best thing for us. He was an alcoholic and beat mother as well, and cheated on her countless times. I can't even imagine sexual abuse. My heart goes out to you and you will never know how thankful I am for this comments and to know that their are stories and that we have all been through some pain that has made us strong and have made us who we are.
Thank you so much!
Hi Barby.
ReplyDeleteI too love reading your blog. I stumbled across it a few weeks ago. You write beautifully.
After I check my email and FB each morning I pop onto your blog and see what you have to say. Your blog entry's are like my cup of joe before my morning coffee. Your humor, pictures, videos, music selection, general view on life is lovely. The passion you have toward life in general is inspiring to me. You remind me not to take life seriously and being free spirited is acceptable as an adult.
On a side note, I must tell you that you are VERY stylie and have such a unique look. Keep on writing, gurl. You make me laugh, think, and embrace being a mom in her 30's.
Anonymous 3. (haahaa, I love this)
ReplyDeleteI'm always so tickled by the loving comments I get. I'm kinda emotional today over this post and the comments I have received today. This writing for me has been such a great experience for me. I'm happy that what I have to say and the silly ways that I see things keeps people clicking. I'm honored to be your pre coffee time. And thank you so much for making MY day.
I love that you say what so many people don't for fear of being judged or "found out"... we are all thinking a lot of the same things but for sooo long never say it... I hope that this trend of being real spreads all around the world so that our children will grow up knowing who they are and being confident enough to express themselves honestly....
ReplyDeleteYou really are so good at being you and that makes me better at being me<3
Love to all.... even the not so great fathers a lot of us "dancer ladies" were dooped with.... it makes us stronger and evolves us more quickly....
Thank you for being fearless and inspiring!
Anonymous 4.
ReplyDeleteThank you,. I agree. I think people fear being judged. But let's be honest, everyone has issues. No one is perfect. There are imperfect father. Imperfect Mothers. It's an imperfect world. We are only human. I don't hate my Father. I know he's just a part of this imperfect world.
Pooh on them! We don't need no stiken' pappy's (hahaha!)
:)
Dearest Barby-
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this...for sharing...For being strong enough to share and capable of showing vulnerability with out regret (at least most of the time, eh;)
I've said it before. Your words seem familiar. Perhaps because they are like those thoughts and feelings of my own, brought out in your own way---with the reckless abandon, that I admire so much in your writing. I hope you never lose that.... <3
P.S. Thx for finding me!
I totally understand!! My Dad was never in my life and I always say you can't miss something you have never had!! That statement is far from the truth. It has been very painful for me to not have my father around even though my Mom was the BEST of both parents she could be. I def believe my "issues" with Men stem from this. Its also why I like older guys I'm sure!! LOL!! Thank you for this post It's nice to know someone else goes through the same things I do. Thank God for Mom's like ours. <3 <3 Amanda
ReplyDeleteI can't get over the response to this post. I have to admit, I felt very exposed after I wrote this. Yesterday was very emotional. It's nice to hear that I'm not alone, that these feeling I have had throughout my life are not abnormal for us gals that have been through this. Thank you for sharing your stories, ladies. Big hugs!!!!
ReplyDelete