To Sir With Love

Everything that happens in your childhood had so much to do with the person you will be as an adult. Children are really the only true innocent things that exist. Everyone who is responsible for raising a child has no idea that everything they do, or what they don't do, will carry on with that child and eventually may effect him/her in a negative or positive way as they get older.

I've never talk about my Father. The absent Father that was never in life. I have always found it a difficult thing to put out there. Because I would be a liar if I said it hasn't been a painful thing to deal with in my life. I have never wanted to play the victim, or have anyone feel sorry for me. If anything, I think I have wanted to appear as if it had never affected me. Because you can't really miss someone that you never had, right? But, again, I would be a liar if I really had you believing that.

I know that this has been the reasons why I struggle with my relationship with men. Why the fear of being abandoned is too much to bare at times. Subconsciously, that little girl who is hurt and wounded always comes out. I've tried to look for my Dad. I don't know if also subconsciously sabotage that too. Some days I want nothing more then to find him, and tell him all the things I have rehearsed in my head over and over throughout the years. And some days, I don't care enough or think he deserves to hear those things.

With this Father figure that was never around to teach me what a man should be like to a woman. To put me on his shoulder. To scare the boys away. Was this beautiful single Mother, who taught me to be independent. Who hugged me daily. Who scared the boys away. My Mother taught me to love. She gave this heart. And as difficult as it is for me to do so at times, my heart will never quit. Even if I don't know how to get it quiet right, I'm just wired to continue to love. I know she has suffered more than me knowing that I have had to deal with this in my life. My mom did her best, and my childhood is full of love from her.

I sometimes have conversations with that little me. I imagine myself hugging her and letting her know that this wasn't her fault. I tell her she deserves to be loved. I let her know that in the future, a Son will come in to her life, to teach her unconditional love for a boy, and teach him how to treat a girl.