Monday, December 20, 2010

Barby VS Man

Man: For years we've all heard the things men shouldn't say to women, such as "Yeah, those jeans do make you look a little chunky," and "Why didn't you tell me you had a hot friend."

We've been doing our best to behave, but it's time you knew there are a few things that won't score you any points with the man in your life. For the most part, we're an open book, but there are a few things that make us cringe.

Here's a look at 10 things women say that drive men nuts.


1) "That looks cute."

Man: For the most part, men hate cute. We don't want to hear about it, we don't want to see it, and we sure as hell don't want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there's a 100 percent chance we're changing. We're supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.

Me: Ditto. WE (Women) also hate the word cute. If we come down the stairs after getting ready and you tell us we look cute, there is a 110 percent chance we're changing. We're supposed to be your hotness, your babe and cute does not fit into that. Puppies and kitties are cute.

2) "We need to talk."

Man: These four words shut off a man's brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation—and better yet, your apartment—they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.

Me: Did you hear that ladies? In other words, stop in the middle of a BJ and say "We need to talk, honey." Comfortable action and enough time to spill what you have to say by the time he stumbles to find his boxers and the one sock he didn't have time to take off.

3) "It's just a game."

Man: Actually, it's not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it's life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn't make sense, but you should be happy that we're that passionate about something. Telling us that "it's just a game" is like us telling you that Oprah's just a talk show host.

Me: Have your time with your boys and the "Game", but don't get upset when we make plans to hang out with our guy friend who doesn't find the 'Game" as interesting as sharing a bowl of popcorn with me at the movies. GO COWBOYS!!!!

4) "Nothing's wrong."

Man: Please don't tell us nothing's wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We're not mind readers; tell us what's going on. And don't make us guess because—believe me—you won't like what we come up with.

Me: We have trained our over-thinking minds to utter the those 2 words in order to dodge being called crazy or irrational. We tell you how we feel and all of the sudden "You are talking crazy" becomes the next topic of discussion. Sometimes "Nothing's wrong" is safer than "I hate you, you insensitive fuck."

5) "I sound like my mom."

Man: The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don't say it, even in jest—it's not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying "every woman ends up looking like their mother" is an old wives' tale. If we didn't, no one would ever get married.

Me: So now you're insulting my Mother? Oh, and like your Dads beer belly and receding hairline gives us something to jump up and down about. Get over yourself. If anything you should be as lucky as to have such a wonderful woman (and a great cook) even give you the time of day. And for your information, my Mother thinks I can always do better.


6) "I just want to be friends."

Man: No you don't. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick—don't prolong the agony. Most of us take "I just want to be friends" as "There's still a chance," so if there isn't just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.

Me: Oh yeah. I forget, that Women can still be friends with guys and not want to bump uglies. Men no matter how many "friends" of the female gender they have, if she said "Let's bump uglies" you men would bump so quickly she wouldn't know what bumped her.

7) "Size doesn't matter."

Man: Don't lie to us. We know it does, and we're doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It's best just to not say anything at all.


8) "What are you wearing?"

Man: We're wearing whatever's clean or whatever you tell us to. We don't plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest … nicely.

Me: Ok, fair enough. Let me try Hummmm (clearing throat) "Hi,honey, hi. Umm, I don't like that on you. You look like shit. Can you please find something that will match my fabulous outfit? LOVE YOUUUU"

Like that?

9) "Do you think she's pretty?"

Man: Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn't mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can't help it. It's in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it's best to just pretend nothing happened.

Me: WOW! See, this is what I don't get. If you're with the prettiest girl in the room, be proud and stop using the it's in our DNA. What are you? A monkey? There is nothing sexier than being with a Man that even if a Victoria Secret Model walked in, you would still be lucky enough to be with your girl. NOW, if I say "hey look how hot that girl is", then you can agree for duration of 45 seconds. We don't ask for a lot, guys! Oh, and get me another drink while you're up, honey!

10) "Are you OK?" Totally acceptable to ask after your beau has emerged from the little boy's room after a blinding night of boozing or a ruthless review from his boss, but to play this card after a fight or a "necessary discussion" will hinder, not help, the situation. Especially when you ask it over and over and over.


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